Glossary

Many of these terms circulate in English even in communities that speak other languages. Where an alternative term exists and is in use, it is given.

0-9

4Cs

An ethical framework proposed in 2014 by researchers: Caring, Communication, Consent, Caution. It distinguishes three levels of consent: surface, scene and deep¹. See Consent.

A

Aftercare

The care that follows a scene: warmth, water, contact, calm, reassurance, or on the contrary a bit of space, depending on what was agreed. It concerns both roles and is negotiated like everything else.

B

BDSM

An acronym with three layers: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. The layers combine freely, and nobody has to like all of it. See Understanding.

Bondage

Tying up or restraining: rope, cuffs, straps, furniture. The main risks concern the nerves and circulation. Keep safety shears within reach and read Safety: rope before you start.

Bottom

The person who receives the action during a scene: they are tied up, receive the sensations, follow the instructions. Being a bottom says nothing about who holds authority in the relationship (see sub).

Brat

A submissive who resists, challenges or provokes as part of the play. It is a negotiated style enjoyed by both sides, not an invitation to “tame” someone who really means no. The brat keeps their safeword.

Brat tamer

A dominant partner who enjoys precisely this dynamic: responding to a brat’s provocations with humour and firmness, within the rules set together.

C

Check-in

A safety rule for remote play: the person who receives a task replies within a set time, otherwise the person who gave it calls, and alerts someone else if they get no answer. Essential as soon as a task involves any risk. See Remote play.

CNC

Consensual non-consent: prior agreement to play “as if” consent were absent. An advanced practice, between partners who know each other well, with a real stop signal that is always respected. See Consent.

Collar

In a D/s relationship, a symbolic object that marks commitment, sometimes presented during a small ceremony. It can take the form of a discreet piece of jewellery for everyday life. A collar must never be tight or restrict breathing (see Breathing).

Consent

Free, informed, specific, ongoing agreement that can be withdrawn at any time, checked during the scene and not just before it. It is the C in SSC, RACK and PRICK (consensual). See Consent.

Contract

A written document that sets out the rules of a D/s relationship: areas covered, limits, rituals, duration, review dates. It is a communication tool: it takes away nobody’s right to say stop or to end the relationship. See Law.

D

Debrief

A conversation once things have cooled down, a few hours or a few days after a scene: what you liked, what bothered you, what you would change. Distinct from aftercare, it prepares the next negotiation.

Dom / domme

Short for dominant, with domme as the feminine form. Refers to the person who holds authority in a D/s dynamic, within the negotiated limits.

Drop

An emotional or physical low that can follow a scene: tiredness, sadness, irritability, doubt. People speak of sub drop and top drop, because it affects both roles; it can come straight away or several days later². The explanation in terms of a hormonal crash remains an untested hypothesis.

D/s

Dominance and submission: a dynamic in which one person hands over part of their authority to the other, in agreed areas and within agreed limits. It can be limited to scenes or extend into everyday life.

D/s 24/7 (TPE)

A relationship in which the D/s dynamic applies all the time, not only during scenes. It is sometimes called TPE (total power exchange); the actual degree varies a great deal from one relationship to another. Even then, everyone keeps the right to say stop and to leave.

Dungeon

A space set up for play, private or in a club, with furniture and equipment. In a club, use is governed by posted rules and, often, by people whose job is to keep watch.

E

Edge play

Practices whose risk is high or hard to control: breath play, needles, fire, blades. Where the line falls varies from person to person. This site gives no tutorials for them; see Safety and Breathing.

F

Fetishism

A marked erotic attraction to an object, a material (leather, latex), a garment or a part of the body. The World Health Organization’s ICD-11 no longer classifies it as a disorder³.

Flogger

An impact instrument with multiple tails, made of leather, suede or synthetic material. Depending on the material and the stroke, the sensation ranges from a diffuse thud to a sharp strike. See impact play.

G

Gag

An object placed in or over the mouth to prevent speech. It makes the safeword unusable: you need an agreed and tested non-verbal signal, a completely clear nose, and the gag comes out at the slightest sign of nausea, a blocked nose or difficulty breathing.

Green flag

A reassuring sign in the way a person approaches play: they ask questions, accept a no, suggest a safeword themselves, check in on you afterwards. See Safety and red flag.

H

Hard limit

Something a person refuses unconditionally. A hard limit is not tested, not renegotiated during a scene and not argued over to “shift it”.

I

Impact play

Striking play, by hand or with an implement. Aim for fleshy areas (buttocks, upper thighs, upper back away from the shoulder blades) and avoid the kidneys, spine, back of the neck, joints, stomach and face. See Safety.

K

Kinbaku

A Japanese word often translated as “tight binding”, referring to the erotic art of tying. It is often linked to the capture techniques of the Edo period, but the direct lineage is debated: influence rather than descent. See History.

Kink

A broad term for sexual practices that step outside the most common habits, BDSM included. All BDSM is kink; not all kink is BDSM.

M

M/s (master/slave)

A form of D/s relationship in which the power exchange is very extensive, often permanent, with a protocol. The words belong to the play and to a shared choice: they confer no rights beyond what has been agreed, and consent can still be withdrawn. See D/s 24/7.

Mindfuck

Psychological play based on illusion or surprise: making someone believe an ice cube is hot wax, announcing one thing and doing another. It plays with trust, so it calls for precise negotiation of the framework and a careful debrief.

Munch

An informal meet-up in a public place (bar, café, restaurant), with no play and no special dress, to talk about BDSM. Often the simplest way into a local community; see Resources.

N

Negotiation

A conversation before a scene or a relationship to set out desires, limits, signals, risks and care afterwards. It happens with a cool head and is revisited whenever something changes. See Consent.

P

Pet play

Role play in which one person takes on the behaviour of an animal (puppy, kitten, pony), often with another person in the role of owner or handler. It puts the emphasis on play, care and letting go, and is not necessarily sexual.

Play party

A party, private or in a club, where participants can play on site. The rules are usually announced in advance: consent, watching without intervening, no photos, people on hand to keep watch (dungeon monitors).

Power exchange

One person voluntarily hands over part of their control to another, who accepts it. It is the common mainspring of D/s, and it is negotiated like any practice.

PRICK

Personal Responsibility, Informed Consensual Kink: a framework that adds personal responsibility to RACK: everyone informs themselves, knows their limits and states them.

Protocol

A set of agreed rules of behaviour in a D/s relationship or at an event: forms of address, postures, rituals, dress. Partly inherited from leather culture, these rules are negotiated like everything else. See History.

Punishment (in play)

A consequence agreed in advance for a broken rule, played out within the dynamic. It has nothing to do with a real conflict, which is settled by talking outside the scene, and it never penalises a safeword or a limit.

R

RACK

Risk-Aware Consensual Kink. Born as a response to the vagueness of “safe” and “sane” in SSC, it asks everyone to know the risks of what they agree to.

Radial nerve

A nerve that runs along the arm and, among other things, lets you lift the wrist and fingers. In a series of ten people injured during rope suspensions, it was affected in nine of them⁴. Warning signs: tingling, numbness, loss of strength (see Safety: rope).

Red flag

A warning sign in the way a person approaches play: pressure to go fast, limits brushed aside, a safeword refused or mocked, cutting you off from the people close to you. One sign on its own proves nothing; several together should give you pause. See Safety.

Rigger

The person who ties during a rope session. They carry the technical responsibility for the tie: watching the nerves, the circulation and the condition of the person being tied, and being able to undo everything quickly.

Rope bunny

The person being tied during a rope session. The term rope bunny is common; rope bottom or model are also used.

S

Sadomasochism (SM)

Giving (sadism) or receiving (masochism) intense sensations, pain included, because both people find pleasure in it. The words come from Sade and Sacher-Masoch (see History). A masochistic person does not enjoy just “any” pain: they enjoy that pain, in that setting, with that person.

Safe call

Before meeting someone you have only recently met, you let someone you trust know: where, with whom, until what time. You agree on a call at a set time; if they hear nothing, that person contacts you, then alerts the police if needed.

Safety shears

Round-tipped shears that can quickly cut through rope or a strap without injuring the skin. They stay within reach throughout any bondage session, including when everything is going well.

Safeword

A word agreed to slow down or stop a scene, chosen so that it cannot be confused with the play. The traffic light system is common: green, amber, red. When speech is prevented, you need a non-verbal signal tested in advance: dropping an object, tapping three times, grunting an agreed rhythm.

Scene

A bounded period of play, with a beginning, an end and negotiated content. A scene can last ten minutes or a whole evening.

Self-bondage

Tying yourself up, alone. It is the most dangerous solo practice: never a tie you cannot get out of without help, never anything around the neck or anything that restricts breathing, never without someone being told (see check-in).

Sensation play

Play with sensations: a feather, an ice cube, fur, a Wartenberg wheel, alternating hot and cold. A good way to start, because the intensity is easy to adjust.

Sensory deprivation

Reducing one or more senses: blindfold, earplugs, ear defenders. It intensifies the other sensations and is disorienting. Nothing must restrict breathing, and contact, verbal or physical, stays constant.

Service

A form of submission focused on being of service: tasks, care, organising, small attentions. It is not necessarily sexual and is negotiated like everything else, including how much time it takes up.

Shibari

A Japanese word meaning “tying”, used outside Japan for Japanese-inspired rope bondage, aesthetic or erotic. The nerve risks are real and it is learnt in workshops. See Safety: rope and the shibari questionnaire.

Soft limit

A grey area: possible under certain conditions, with caution, at another time or with another person. It is discussed again with a cool head, never in the heat of the moment, and a no said in the moment is still a no.

Spanking

Impact on the buttocks, with a bare hand or an implement (paddle, cane, belt). It is often the first impact practice people try. The buttocks and the upper backs of the thighs take it well; the kidneys, the tailbone and the spine do not. Start gently, warm up the skin, and keep an eye on the marks. See Safety and the Bend over position (upper body bent forward).

SSC

Safe, Sane, Consensual. A phrase that appeared in 1983 in New York, in a group of gay men who practised SM⁵. It is criticised because nothing is ever completely safe, and because “sane” implies that other desires would be unsound.

State of the day

Whatever, on a given day, changes your usual desires or limits: tiredness, pain, stress, mood, alcohol, medication. Say it before every scene; the Tonight questionnaire is there for that.

Sub (submissive)

The person who hands over part of their authority in a D/s dynamic, within the negotiated limits. They keep the right to say stop at all times.

Subspace

An altered state that some bottoms describe during an intense scene: floating, relaxation, dulled pain. It has never been measured as such; the best-supported hypothesis combines analgesia, a rise then release of stress, and a partial standby of the prefrontal cortex⁶⁷. In this state, you are less able to consent; see The body.

Switch

A person who alternates roles, top or bottom, dominant or submissive, depending on the partner, the moment or the mood.

T

Top

The person who acts during a scene: they tie, strike, guide. Being a top says nothing about who holds authority in the relationship (see D/s).

Top aftercare

The part of aftercare meant for the person who led the scene. Having hit, tied up or dominated someone can leave tiredness, doubt or a low; honest feedback and some time together help. See drop.

Topping from the bottom

When the person receiving steers the scene from where they are, through repeated requests or by manoeuvring the other person. The criticism is sometimes fair, and sometimes a way of silencing legitimate limits: saying “not that” or “stop” is never topping from the bottom.

Topspace

A state of concentration and absorption that some tops describe during a scene. One pilot study sees it as a state of “flow”⁶. It is no reason to relax your watch over the other person.

V

Vanilla

Refers to sex, or to people, without kink or BDSM. The word is descriptive, not contemptuous, at least when it is used properly: vanilla sex is in no way inferior. Negotiation, a stop word and aftercare are just as useful there (see Understanding).

Violet wand

A device that produces a high-voltage, high-frequency, very low-current output, delivered through glass electrodes, for tingling sensations. As with any electrical play: never across the chest, never above the waist with a device that is not designed for it, never with a pacemaker.

W

Wax play

Play with hot wax from a candle. Only low-temperature candles made for this purpose (paraffin or soy), a test on the forearm, pouring from a sufficient height, never on the face or mucous membranes.

Sources

Williams, D. J., Thomas, J. N., Prior, E. E. and Christensen, M. C., 2014. From ‘SSC’ and ‘RACK’ to the ‘4Cs’: Introducing a new framework for negotiating BDSM participation. Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, 17. Levels of consent presented in: Litam, S. D. A. and Speciale, M., 2020. Kink Culture: What Professional Counselors Need to Know. American Counseling Association. link ↑
Sprott, R. and Randall, A., 2016. Black and blues: Sub drop, top drop, event drop and scene drop. Journal of Positive Sexuality, 2(3), 53-61. link ↑
Krueger, R. B., Reed, G. M., First, M. B., Marais, A., Kismodi, E. and Briken, P., 2017. Proposals for Paraphilic Disorders in the International Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems, Eleventh Revision (ICD-11). Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(5), 1529-1545. link ↑
Khodulev, V., Klimko, A., Charnenka, N., Zharko, M. and Khoduleva, H., 2023. Acute Radial Compressive Neuropathy: The Most Common Injury Induced by Japanese Rope Bondage. Cureus, 15(5), e39588. link ↑
Stein, D., 2013. Consent Alone Is Not Enough. Woodhull Freedom Foundation. link ↑
Ambler, J. K., Lee, E. M., Klement, K. R., Loewald, T., Comber, E. M., Hanson, S. A., Cutler, B., Cutler, N. and Sagarin, B. J., 2017. Consensual BDSM facilitates role-specific altered states of consciousness: A preliminary study. Psychology of Consciousness: Theory, Research, and Practice, 4(1), 75-91. link ↑↑
Wuyts, E. and Morrens, M., 2022. The Biology of BDSM: A Systematic Review. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 19(1), 144-157. link ↑